And So She Goes
It wasn’t long ago, her tiny little hand would reach out for mine.
Now, I reach for her hand and squeeze it for just a few moments.
Soon, she will be holding the hand of her first boyfriend.
It wasn’t long ago, she would ask me to brush her hair and put it in a ponytail.
Now, she asks to borrow my brush and styles her hair perfectly on her own.
Soon, she will be sitting in a salon getting ready for prom.
It wasn’t long ago, I wished for a daughter.
Now, I am grateful for who she has become.
Soon, she will be starting a life of her own.
FORWARD
As a work-from-home editor and writer for an Internet-based parenting publication, I often find myself telling my three young children, "Just a minute." Most of the time, all I really do need is just a minute to finish editing a paragraph or to send an email before my children and I are off building forts or playing hide-and-go-seek. But occasionally, that minute stretches into an hour and I'm left wondering, where has the time gone?
My oldest daughter, at 9 ½ years old, is on the cusp of some monumental physical and emotional developments. As an inexperienced mother almost a decade ago, I wish I had heeded the advice of others to enjoy every minute with my baby, because time really does go by too quickly, but you simply cannot impress upon a new parent the brevity of infancy and childhood. It's only when that minute is gone that you wish you had it back.
20 Practical Ideas To Sustain Your Relationship With Your Daughter Before She Is Out The Door!, by Karen Nowicki, gives moms of tween daughters helpful tips on how to strengthen the parent/child relationship by making every minute count. Refer to the ideas often, and challenge yourself to give your daughter more of your time each day. Work and chores will always be waiting for you, but your daughter will be out the door before you know it.
Lis Garrett, Editor
Root & Sprout
www.RootandSprout.com
GREETING
I am keenly aware, as I am sure you are too, that children become teenagers and teenagers become adults. Our sons become men. Our daughters become women.
Now that my oldest are 14 and 12 years old, I find myself asking, “Where has the time gone?”
Dishes, Bills, Laundry, Work and Career, School Days, Packed Lunches, Homework, Skinned Knees, Stomach Flu, Runny Noses, Doctor Visits, Weekends, Play Dates, Chapped Lips, Home Cooked Meals, Baked Treats, Sleepovers, Drive Thru’s, Celebrations, Consequences, Guitar Lessons, Dance Recitals, Swim Meets, Soccer Games, Sunday Services, Smiles, Frowns, Tears, Laughter, Babies Born, Grandparents Pass…
This is where time has gone.
If we aren’t careful, we will blink our eyes again and instead of seeing our tween daughter in front of us, there will stand a young woman. A teenager. Ready to take on a life of her own.
It is not that I am afraid of who she is becoming. Actually, I am very proud of her. I want to spend more time with her before she is out the door and into the world. I want her to know me so that when she goes, she will always know that I am here for her and that I love her.
With the help of 6 other parenting experts, I share with you 20 practical ideas to sustain your relationship with your daughter.
Breathe it all in. Celebrate that which you already do. Consider the possibilities if you did a little bit more, before she is out the door. Remember these 3 simple words. Let them be your guide during these tween years… Share, Create, Celebrate.
Share
Practical Idea #1 - Hall Time (Lisa Janders)
In our busy lives we learn to block out what we perceive as chatter when in reality, our daughters may be asking for our undivided attention. To put my daughter “back on the radar” when she needs time with me, we invented what we call “hall time.” It happens to be a long hallway leading to our kitchen which has no windows, no phones, no fridge...nothing.
The rule is that when my daughter says “hall time!” I know that she needs my undivided attention. We drop everything (including our cell phones) and meet in the hall where we sit on the floor until we are “talked out.”
- When does she get my undivided attention?
- Have we created a designated place or time to share?
Practical Idea #2 – The Backseat Driver (Patti Ann Wood)
Have your tween sit in the back seat of the car and talk to her. If you need to, pile up a bunch of stuff in the front seat and ask her to sit back there for just this ride. With the front of her body protected and hidden she is more likely to self disclose, sharing things she would normally not share in everyday conversation. When she is in the car with her friends, listen to the conversation. Oddly enough, they will share things because they know you are listening and sometimes share more!
- Does she feel safe disclosing her deepest thoughts with me?
- Where can I let more of our conversations unfold naturally?
Practical Idea #3 – The Pendulum Swings (Dr. Iris Hellner)
Kids this age can come across like they don't care and are good at communicating a sense that adults don't know anything. But they can also be very good at letting you know how much they still need you and want you. At this age, however, being close with your daughter is more on her terms and timing than ever before. It is important to respect her terms and timing but also not to take your daughter at face value (literally and figuratively). This is the age of expert eye-rolling!
It is most helpful to remember not to take personally any rejecting comments or behaviors (such as eye rolls, shoulder shrugs, "I don't care", "leave me alone", "I hate you!"). These behaviors are motivated by developmental needs to begin to strive for more space and become more independent. While it is important to give your tween more independence and support her growing up, it is also important to not allow her to push you away.
If she is mean to you one moment and snuggles up to you the next, remember that this is developmentally appropriate and necessary. Though difficult, it is important to not retreat and withdraw even if you are angry, confused or hurt by these tween behaviors. She still needs and wants to hear from you and talk with you, despite how she might otherwise make it difficult to do so.
- Do I take it personally when she is mad at me?
- How can I best support her when she is in that mood?
Practical Idea #4 – Honesty is the Best Policy (Bette Alkazian)
Be honest with her. Withhold your judgment. Listen more than you talk.
- When was the last time I really listened to what she has to say without interjecting my opinions?
- How do I share my deepest thoughts and feelings my daughter?
Practical Idea #5 – Meal Time (Patti Ann Wood)
Eat dinner with your family face to face at a table at least three times a week. There are enormous amounts of research that shows it impacts many things from:
* a child's ability to read body language,
* feeling comfortable & adept at human interactions,
* to reducing teen dropouts and drug abuse.
- How often do we, as a family, have face-to-face time? Do I feel that this is enough?
- What can we give up in order to have more time together?
Practical Idea #6 – Set Healthy Limits (Bette Alkazian)
Don’t tell her you don’t like her friend.
Watch, wait, and set limits about her being unattended with a child you don’t trust –supervise.
Trust that the values you have taught her will come through in her own time. She’ll realize that her friend isn’t good for her based upon those values. The more you try to control the situation, the less she’ll learn and the more you’ll push her into a situation you don’t like.
- How will my daughter know that I trust her?
- Who are her friends and why does she like them?
- When does she have opportunities to be with her friends while I am supervising?
Create
Practical Idea #7 - Rituals (Patti Ann Wood)
Always make it a point to go to your child and interact with them as they leave the house, return to the house, go to bed and rise the morning. These rituals, especially when there is touch involved, bond your relationship and make your child feel more secure and connected to you. You are also likely to notice if they stop or try to avoid one of the rituals and will know quickly that something may be amiss.
Don't let them talk you out of the ritual, with the, "I am too old for that." excuse. Tell them you need the ritual, because you do. Face it a teenager can be get temperamental and mean, having rituals that help you love on her a few times a day reminds you that she still is your "baby.“
- What rituals do we engage in on a regular basis?
- Where could I create another ritual that we both would cherish?
Practical Idea #8 – Good Listening (Dr. Iris Hellner)
Listen for cues about what and when to talk about with your daughter. Often, a tween may throw out a juicy tidbit at what may be an ill-timed moment for a parent. Grab these when they come your way. Sometimes, these may even come in the midst of an argument or some provocative comment, making it even harder to hear and/or respond to.
Be open in these moments and on the lookout for such opportunities. Help your daughter realize that you are really listening by repeating things she has said to you. Be especially careful not to lecture (it happens, even when we think we're not doing it!) It is also important to respect your tween's time table. Often, at this age, heart-to-heart conversations are brief. Certainly, briefer than a mom might wish them to be.
When your daughter signals that the conversation is over, it is important to allow it to be over. Remember that it is an ongoing dialogue and if you listen for the right timing, you will likely be able to continue it at some other time.
- What do I look like when I am listening?
- How does my daughter respond when she knows that she has my full attention?
Practical Idea #9 – Food Channel (Mary Jo Rapini)
Once a week cook with your daughter. If she doesn't like to cook, let her pick a restaurant taking turns with you the next week.
Make it challenging...select a new recipe with a unique ingredient or have a set amount of money and find a place you can both eat under that cost.
This is fun, experimental, and brings out a great side to both of you –giving you both a lot to talk about. It will make you feel more connected and this will increase the feeling of trust for issues she will face as she gets older.
- When was the last time we prepared a meal together? Or, went out to eat, just the two of us?
- What recipe or restaurant have I been wanting to try?
Practical Idea #10 – Fond Memories (Karen Nowicki)
Be awake to those special moments that the two of you share. Capture the memory by creating a visual reminder of how it felt for the two of you in that given situation and time.
Frame a photo and surprise her with it by placing it on her nightstand while she isn’t home.
Use a washable marker on the mirror or window with a “Thanks for __”, “I am proud of you because __”, or a simple “I love you.”
Send her a card in the mail or an email telling her how much you enjoyed your time together or share a memory from when she was young.
- What is my fondest baby (or recent) memory of my daughter?
- How can I share this with her in a visual way?
Practical Idea #11 – Ah-ha Moments (Felicia Richardson-Battle)
Keep your eyes open for teachable moments. They can happen in a split second. TV shows, music videos, song lyrics, and news shows offer tons of moments that could initiate conversation about issues that tweens are facing.
This also underscores how important it is to be “up on” the shows and music your kids are watching and listening to.
- What TV shows and music does my daughter listen to?
- When will I sit down and join her for an episode or quick listen to her favorite singer?
Practical Idea #12 – Powerful Questions (Karen Nowicki)
Asking a question that requires a YES or NO answer can often lead your conversation to a dead stop. Instead, ask questions that require her thoughtful input and has her wanting to share more.
Instead of:
“Did you have fun?” try “What did you girls do for fun?”
“Did you do well on your test?” try “What was the easiest part of the test?”
“Do you think that is a smart thing to do?” try “Tell me, why are you doing it that way?”
“Are you still friends with Jana?” try “What has your friend Jana been up to lately?”
- What powerful question did I ask her today?
- What other powerful questions can I ask?
Practical Idea #13 – Be Teachy, Not Preachy (Felicia Richardson-Battle)
Tweens are more likely to “get” things when you mention it in a nonchalant, matter-of-fact manner rather than sitting down and lecturing.
- Where did I lecture that I could have encouraged or had a two-way conversation instead?
- How can I share this in 3 sentences or less?
Celebrate
Practical Idea #14 – Be Her Mother (Bette Alkazian)
Don’t try to be her friend. She still needs a parent who is willing to make the unpopular choice of setting limits and saying “no”.
- What am I committed to most …instilling lifelong values or having another best friend?
Practical Idea #15 – Praise Her (Patti Ann Wood)
Notice when your daughter does something RIGHT. Praise her and reward her immediately so that she doesn't have to do something bad to get your attention.
- What has she done today that I can acknowledge her for?
- That was easy, what is another thing?
Practical Idea #16 – A Little Silliness Goes a Long Way (Karen Nowicki)
Remember when she was a baby. You used to coo and make silly faces to make her smile. Although she will likely tell you that you are embarrassing her, let your hair down once in awhile and laugh together. This lets her know that being an adult isn’t always serious business.
Dance to the music on a commercial.
Put your shirt on backwards –for a quick joke.
Kiss her through the car window leaving a lipstick mark.
Skip into the store ahead of her or race her to the door.
- When was the last time I laughed with my daughter?
- What am I willing to do to break out of my comfort zone, just a bit, to have a little fun?
Practical Idea #17 – Attitude of Gratitude (Mary Jo Rapini)
Once a month, write your daughter a "love letter" or "gratitude letter". Find one thing you think is so special about her. Something she said, or something she did. Say it in a letter so she can remind herself about it when she is having a "rough day“, which she will...we all do.
- Am I looking for what’s right or am I looking for what’s wrong?
- What’s right about this situation?
Practical Idea #18 – Rewards without Payment (Karen Nowicki)
Helping around the house and getting good grades are all a part of cultivating a responsible adult.
She doesn’t always have to be rewarded with money. Help her understand this by acknowledging her for who she is instead of what she’s done.
- How does my daughter demonstrate personal responsibility?
- What qualities do I see in her?
Practical Idea #19 – Date Night (Mary Jo Rapini)
Have a date with your daughter once a week or at least every two weeks. Take turns picking the coffee house, roller rink, or bike path. During that time listen to what your daughter has to say. Listen to what she is struggling with without having to fix it or her. Support her and remind her how much you love her and that everything is temporary.
- Where is our next “girls day out” going to take place?
- When are we going?
Practical Idea #20 – Take Frequent Time Outs (Karen Nowicki)
Sometimes we feel as though we are giving, giving, giving. And as mothers, we usually are.
Let your tween see you taking time for yourself. Set and maintain healthy boundaries with your family, friends and work. This might look like getting your hair cut regularly, buying yourself fresh flowers, taking a long steamy bath, reading a book in the sun, or working on a hobby or craft that you truly enjoy.
- What did I do for myself before I had children?
- How often do I take time to relax now?
- What am I willing to do for myself in the next 2 days that would have me feeling great?
Share. Create. Celebrate.
On the day our children were born, we were not given an instructors manual or an operations guide. Instead, we must learn by trial and error.
“20 Practical Ideas to Sustain Your Relationship with Your Daughter …Before She is Out the Door” invites you to take a look at where you are currently at compared to where you would like to be when your daughter heads out on her own –for good.
Let your inner wisdom lead the way and you will always know exactly what to do.
“Raising daughters is like mountain climbing… You can’t keep them from taking chances in life. They’re going to leave no matter what –it’s making sure you’ve used the right rope and given the right amount of slack.”
- Eileen Brown
Karen Nowicki is dedicated to helping you become the greatest expression of yourself. She accomplishes this through her private coaching, tele-seminars, and writing. She is the founder of the Snuggle Deep Retreat and a regular contributor to Root & Sprout “Where kids and parents grow together “
Karen is the author of Maddie Moonbeam's Garden. An inspirational gift book which offers a sweet tribute to each person's journey toward self acceptance. Karen lives in Chandler, AZ with her husband and three children.
Karen would like to thank the following experts for their generous contributions:
Lis Garrett - Editor of Root & Sprout, “Where kids and parents grow together,” and Founder of Grow Together, A Social Networking Site for Parents
Lisa Jander - Author of Dater’s Ed –The Instruction Manual for Parents, certified Life Coach and public speaker
Patti Ann Wood - “Babe Ruth of Body Language by the Washington Post”, Patti is the author of Success Signals –Understanding Body Language, and a professional speaker
Dr. Iris Hellner - Clinic Psychologist, Adjunct Asst. Professor, C.U.N.Y, and the Co-Founder of In Parentis, LLC –a unique parenting resource in N.Y.C.
Bette Alkazian - Family Therapist, Parent Coach and Founder of Balanced Parenting
Mary Jo Rapini - Psychotherapist, Speaker and co-author of Start Talking –A girls’ guide for you and your mom about health, sex, or whatever
Felicia Richardson-Battle - Author of Feel Good, Girl!, a non-fiction book that encourages tweens to open their minds, expand their horizons and explore what’s inside.